Has it been a week?

No excuse here for not being around, I have just plain old been busy. The weather here in New Jersey is starting to break and I am hoping for a warm spring. I have so many things running through my mind. This year will prove to be very busy for me I am sure. It seems like I will be travelling quite a bit this year which is nice. In March I plan on attending a conference on adoption in Atlanta called Created for Care.

I am so super excited because at that conference I will get to meet a couple of very special blogger friends. I feel so blessed that I have the ability to go and learn more about adoption. The conference is filled with a bunch of workshops which I will love. April I am planning on our yearly trip to Washington DC for the Russian Embassy party. I am hoping to be able to meet up with Stacy, Pat and Aidan again. This year I am pretty sure Gerard will not be able to attend because he will most likely be working.

I have some other time off in April and I want to go away with Anna. Some place warm and fun for her. Again it will just be the two of us because Gerard will be working. I am sure something exciting will come our way. I have been toying with the idea of staying home until this morning when Anna busted out into tears wanting to see Mickey. August I am planning a trip to Myrtle Beach, SC. I am hoping the girls will also be able to come so I hope to be able to book a room for that in the near future.

By far the biggest news is I HAVE BOOKED THE DISNEY CRUISE!!! Okay it is not until July of 2013 but that does not mean that I am not excited for it. There are a number of families formed through Russian adoption who are planning on going. Mr. Wilson AKA Gerard is also planning on going. I think he is excited too but he is way more reserved than I am.

Here is a little know fact about me...I love to travel. I am the first to say "Lets go here or there." I would rather travel then spend money on other things. I am hoping to get pretty creative this year so that I can make all these travel dreams come true. I am thinking about changing up our finances up some here and start the Dave Ramsey system. We are so close to having everything paid off except our mortgages that I would love to be able to do everything for cash. If anyone uses this system tell me about it. Do you love it? What works and does not work about it?

I feel so delinquent that I have not posted any recent pictures. The true is I have not taken any. I am not sure why I guess I just have not had the camera handy lately. That is going to be a change.

Birthdays, Birthdays, and more Birthdays!

This past weekend Anna had two birthday parties. Much to my dismay I have become that Mother who does not respond to the invitation in a timely manner. How did that happen? I used to be the first person to call or RSVP for a party...any party for that matter. Now I am the one that others have to call to see if we are coming.

I think part of the difference now is I look at the clock and imagine the other parents, eating dinner, bathing the kids, and starting the bedtime routine. Since most days I sleep in, it leaves only a small window for me to respond. I know this sounds like an excuse and quite frankly I think it is a big fat excuse. I am making it my mission to respond early to the next invitation that comes my way.

This time of the year is hard for me because I know my own birthday is approaching and along with that sadness. I promised myself last year was the last time I was going to be sad for my birthday. Honestly I am doing pretty good this year. I have had a few quiet moments mostly because I see myself is a parallel situation with some very close people whose Father is ill. He is a very young man who has cancer. I have not asked if it is okay to blog about it with more details but I will. I will say I love him as a brother so for me it is even more difficult. I can feel the tears coming on as I write this but that is not what this post is about tonight.

Back to the fun of a weekend filled with birthday parties. On Saturday Anna had a party at Bounce U for a class mate. I had a ton of homework and a paper due so Gerard took Anna. I can hardly believe that I am already 4 weeks into this class, 12 more to go. Gerard has never been to Bounce U or met Anthony (Anna's self proclaimed husband). Anthony's Father was also at the party so he and Gerard hung out so to speak. Gerard is very quiet, so I am sure there was a ton of head nodding and not much talking. Gerard did not come home with nearly the amount of information about Anthony or his family that I would have...sigh! Yes, I am a 50 questions girl, I know it is bad.

Gerard was a bit shocked by the party. I think even though I tried to explain how big the slides were he just did not believe me. Okay he never believes me even when he knows I am right he will tell me I am wrong and laugh. So throughout the party I got pictures of Anna and Anthony sent to me and even a small video of the two holding hands going down a slide. After the party they went to Papa and Grammy's house for a visit while I finished reading and writing which by the way I should be doing now but this is more fun.

I had hoped to finish the paper and have it submitted on Saturday night but I just could not finish it. I worked Saturday night at my second job which is a home care case so I took my computer with me and worked during my down time. Sitting in silence in someone else's house while everyone sleeps is PAINFUL for me. I love the case but I am not sure I will ever feel comfortable working in that environment. I will say it does give me much needed study time.

When I got home and into bed I was able to convince Anna it was the middle of the night and that she needed to sleep. This bought me a 1 hour and 15 minute power nap. Once Gerard was home from the gym I got another 1 1/2 hours of sleep. Just enough to be able to take Anna to the second party of the weekend. This was a last minute party of a friend from work and I really wanted to be the one taking her. Another co-worker with a little girl Anna's age was going so I knew we would have fun.

This party was at a pool. When I told Anna I thought she was going to burst with excitement. On the drive to the party I realized I am a bit of a mess. When did I stop carrying a purse? I now only carry school bags stuffed with books. Only 11 more semesters to go which equals 4 more years, honestly who thought going back to school was a good idea? Oh I forgot me.

It is no secret that I sweat when ever I take Anna in public. If she acts up, it is over for me. I feel my own anxiety level climbing. If Anna had a meltdown I am sure I would just be a puddle of sweat. For some reason Anna just does not act up for anyone but me. I know it is because she feels safe but still it makes me a wreck. Before we left the house I sat Anna down and we had a long talk about behavior. Okay it was maybe 2 minutes but that is long for a 4 year old.

I told her she had to listen or we were leaving the pool. Water is scary stuff and not listening near a pool or the ocean is not an option. Would I have plucked her out of the pool and taken her home wet...yup because that is how strongly I feel about good behavior near water. I have to say I was shocked by Anna's behavior she is really getting it lately.

The life guard told them to line up and she did while telling others about having good behavior near the water. They marched straight past the pool into the dressing area, I put her life vest on and told her she could sit at the edge of the pool with the other kids. Her vest as a handle on the back and even with little sleep I knew I could pluck all 28 lbs of her out of the water. The life guard made each child swim across the pool to see their ability then the party started. During Anna's swim test she looked back and said "Momma, I am Nemo!" We had a wonderful time.

I was shocked by how well Anna listened. I praised her for her good behavior as I always do but I love that it is all clicking. I need to expect more from her on the behavior front.

On a side note
Julie W. I am so glad to hear from you. You are still in my prayers.
Janet, I still have a few things to tie up about the other blog but believe me I will share it when I can. I am struggling with the thought of sending out invitations to the blog before the big reveal or just making it public all at once. I promise when I can open it up I will.

God's timing not mine.

Over the years I have struggled, with God's timing. Seriously, I want it all, the house, the baby, the career, and the man. Usually, this is an internal dialogue that I have with myself. I almost never speak these words because I think it sounds selfish.

A hundred years ago when Gerard and I were planning a wedding there seemed to be every road block in our way. Not just the usual road blocks of planning a wedding but big huge boulders. At times I struggle with the thought of not being married. I wanted things a certain way, quite frankly a way that is just not possible.

Before our decision to adopt was made my mind was on a constant internal dialogue of having a child. Nope not one minute passed without thinking about having a baby. I wonder how many others have this same internal conversation with themselves?

I have learned that I live on God's timing. Sure most of the time I pray that our timing (God's and mine) are the same. I have still not learned that lesson so I will face it many more times in my life. I am however getting better. Here is how I know I am making progress.

When I came home from Russia MY plan was that my Mother would be watching Anna. In my family we are really funny about who watches our children. I know it may sound weird but I guess when your family is so close they are the ones that your trust with your baby.

When Anna first came home we struggled. There were many struggles but I remember thinking how am I going to be able to go to work in 6 weeks and leave her with Mother? This was before we knew my Mother had cancer. Anna had no routine, and there was very little sleep in our house. Anna would be up crying for hours, not a soft little cry but full on screaming for hours from about 8 pm to 1 am. I remember Gerard's Mother stopping by with a friend to meet Anna she heard Anna screaming and I know she was shocked.

We kept much of this information private because we did not want Anna to be judged harshly. Many of our family members did not understand and still do not understand just how difficult the transition was for Anna, Gerard and I. La-La stepped in and became our babysitter. Which was perfect for us and for Anna. I knew La-La had the energy my Mother did not have to watch Anna. It came to a point where Anna would fall asleep for her without any issues and only scream for me.

The first time Anna fell asleep for me after screaming for only 45 minutes made me cry with tears of joy. I know this sounds weird. Today we have a little different routine that I credit Gerard with completely. Once he was laid-off I started to pick up more work, La-La was an expense that we could no longer afford. I would get her ready in her PJs before I left about 6pm, he feeds her a snack or plays with her until about 7pm then it becomes quiet time in our house. Now a days all Gerard has to say is "Its quiet time" and the toys get picked up and the light get lowered. I wished he would read books to her but that is not something Gerard likes to do. He will how ever let her read books to him during quiet time and believe me she does.

Then they turn on a good night program from Sprout. After about 45 minutes she requests to go to bed. The funny cute thing is she makes him carry her every night even if she is awake. I love seeing this kind of bonding an attachment. The two usually snuggle on the sofa watching the show with a blanket. If I am home she will only snuggle with me which makes me happy. We are approaching the three year make and finally I feel like the routine is good.

My friend said to me the other day "I have never once heard you complain that Gerard was laid-off. Why?" This made me laugh a bit then I realized I had not complained. When Gerard was laid-off we were still in the very new phase of repairing and rebuilding our relationship. I struggled the first couple of days with the lay-off mostly because I felt it had been done unfairly but I quickly got over that when I saw the good that was coming from him being home with us. Little things like the bedtime routine.

So for the past 9 almost 10 months Gerard has been unemployed. He has completed many projects on our homes that needed his attention. He has spent every night with Anna. He has caught up on sleep he desparatelyneeded. I know the reason why now he was laid-off now. It was to make the attachment and bonding with Anna even stronger. Not only do I still love him but I also like him again.

Over the past 9 almost 10 months I prayed for not a job but for the right job for him. Okay I was a little selfish and prayed for him to be off for Christmas since I was not. I prayed that our finances would hold out. Not only did they hold out but we managed to pay off quite a bit of debt. About 2 weeks ago he was called to an interview, there is a funny story attached to that interview but this post is already way too long. Within 24 hours he was hired for the job.

The location of the job is perfect. If he had to start working up north again that would not have been ideal mostly because of the tolls and cost of commuting. My thirty minute commute costs me close to 50 dollars a week. If he were working up north the cost would be closer to 125 dollars a week for him to just get to work and home...yikes that is a lot of money.

Back were my concerns about Anna and child care. Because we do not know what shift Gerard will be working or his days off, it is really hard to set up anything. So we were in a bit of a wait and see dilemma. About a week ago my Mother came to my house on her way home from work. She was a little sad to say she was laid-off. Now we had not told anyone about Gerard's new employment mostly because we prefer to have the answers to the questions our family asks it just seems easier. I told my Mother I was happy because now she can help us out with Anna.

I guess the point is when Anna came home and I questioned God's timing for my Mother's cancer, and Gerard being laid-off I did not know what God's plan was for me. Yes, his plan was much better than mine. I think that goes without saying. So now I am praying for the right shift for Gerard. The one that will benefit our family the best. He and I talked about how him working the night shift might be near impossible now. There was once a time that we thought him working the day shift was not a good idea too. So we are in a holding pattern still but I wanted to share that Gerard is now officially employed and we are very thankful.

Julie W how are things in your family?

Three years ago...

I saw a picture of my little girl. My referral story is very different from others. I had flown to Michigan for a meeting with my adoption agency because there were some fears that due financial pressures the agency may close. At that point I was about 10 months into waiting for my referral and had several thousand dollars invested in this agency. If they closed I would have received nothing back, and if I decided to change agencies I would receive nothing back. I will tell you that if the agency closed or I decided to move I would not been able to adopt for quite a long time. Basically, I was stuck with no referral in sight and an agency facing financial hardship.

Gerard and I spoke that morning, and he advised me to go to the agency because I may not get this chance again. So that is what I did. I walked into the agency, I told them that I was not leaving until I spoke with someone about where I was on the list. A few phone calls were made than I was called to the phone to speak to the director. She told me she would make a few calls to find out where I was placed on the list.

I had been previously told that I was registered in the region of Arkhangelsk. This is a beautiful region. I had every face on the Russian database from this region embedded in my head, even a few of their names. About 20 minutes of waiting in the conference room quietly, and alone a woman came in and told me the phone was for me. It was the director of the Russian program. I will say she was warm and friendly. She told me she had news I might like to hear..."You have a referral."

We discussed the health of the child, not he sex than she told me "It's a girl!" Gerard and I had decided very early in the process that we were open to a boy or a girl. I needed to wait again for my coordinator to arrive to work for pictures. We discussed the child's name in Russia which was Anna and I knew there were no Anna's left in Arkhangelsk. That is when I was told I was in a different region...Chuvash Republic. I was puzzled but happy. Pictures were printed and I was on my way home. I got in late but just in time to see Gerard before he left for work. He had seen the pictures and already fell in love. I will never know if Anna had originally been intended to be my referral but I do know that God had a hand in placing her with us.

Last night I watched Anna and Gerard cuddle on the sofa. I was asked yesterday "I bet you can not remember what life was like without Anna?" Well to be honest I do. I have lived a long time as an adult not worrying about needing a babysitter. My house was never cluttered with toys. I never felt like I was going to break my neck getting into the shower, tripping on toys. Making money was easy. If I was short I just picked up a shift. I never felt guilty about leaving for work. My life was easy.

Now my thoughts are filled with the funny little things that Anna has done in a day. Some days are hard, really hard. Watching her become excited over things that have become ordinary for me is a wonderful feeling. I feel like although I had a wonderful life on the surface, Anna has made it even better. I could never go back to my old life.

Feeling the impact of baby JoanMarie

I think it is amazing just how quickly a family can change. When Anna is not by my side I feel like I am missing someone. Our family Christmas celebration with Gerard's family was moved to Sunday. Gerard's Aunt (who lives near us) was ill last week and that was the main reason why the celebration was moved. We decided to met at AM's house because she is the half way point between us and Gerard's cousin.

Anna loves going to see as she puts it "Mine baby JoanMarie!" When ever she hears Uncle Eddie on the phone she tells him "You go hold mine baby JoanMarie!" The drive is pretty long about 1 1/2 hours and we did make one detour to Ikea but we were only there for a grand total of 30 minutes. Gerard does not care for a crowd. Anna told us "Auntie AM lives far away." Amazing how she is able to understand the relationship between distance and time.

Anna played with her cousins Christopher and Aiden. They are much older but that did not stop her from making one into a horse to carry her around the house. In typical Anna style she told him "You be a horse, I be Belle." For those of you not up on your Disney characters that Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Then she proceeded to act out much of the movie for them, specifically the parts with the horse.

As it got to be time to pack up and go home, Anna found her way to JoanMarie's bedroom. She managed to pull a chair over and climb into her crib. (Baby JoanMarie was down stairs) She proceeded to tell me "I a baby" then acted like one by producing a fake cry and kicking her legs like a baby. Usually, I hold her and rock her when she does this but this time she wanted nothing to do with that. She only wanted to stay, in the crib and be a baby.

Anna was quite upset when we did have to leave telling me she was a baby, and needed to stay there in the crib. It broke my heart because even though everyone else thought it was cute, I believe it was Anna missing the feeling of being loved as a baby. The ride home was more than a challenge. She cried, whined, and kicked most of the ride home. About 30 minutes into the ride she started to cry that she was a baby and needed to be put in a crib like a baby.

I rode the rest of the way home in the back seat holding her in the car seat, she cried most of the way. About 15 minutes from home she asked for her "phone" which is actually LeapPad that Santa brought her for Christmas. We played with a few games and she told me "I better."

I make a point to not to hold JoanMarie much, I have never fed her or changed her. I reinforce that this is what Mommas and Daddies do for their babies. We talk about how I do these things for her as well. I think the most interesting part of this behavior is that it usually only happens when we see JoanMarie. Anna loves the baby and tells her so which I think is a good thing. She is very gentle with the baby and only touches her when she is told she can. Anna's face beams when she gets close to the baby which I think is also a good thing. Anna does get very distressed when JoanMarie cries, more distressed then I have ever seen any other child get. I know this feeling of anxiety that Anna gets when she cries is a result of her time in the orphanage. She truly cares about JoanMarie.

I feel sad that Anna missed out on my holding her when she was a tiny baby. I wish things were different, and yet I know if they were different than Anna would be different too. I love Anna exactly the way she is today, completely. There is nothing I would ever want to change about her.

Everything is down!

This year Gerard and I decided to undecorate the house earlier than usual. The decision was made because tomorrow I start back to school for 16 more weeks. I have loved having the break from school because I have been able to spend more time just being Anna's Mom rather then having a paper loom over my head. I will not lie I question my decision to return to school but Gerard and I both agree that me being in school will benefit our family in the future. I so wish I had completed all my schooling prior to Anna's arrival home.

For Anna it was a little sad as we took down the decorations. I was even scolded and put into "time-out" for removing the decorations from the tree. I held her, told her that the decorations will be back before she knows it but this was of little comfort to her. I started to removed the decorations much slower and we talked about it. I found it helpful that I had printed out photobooks from the last two Christmas to show her that the tree, and decorations will be back. I left the box out for Anna to look through the ornaments. I did find her redecorating the tree.

So the tree stood bare with the exception of the lights and the star. I had told Gerard that I thought it might be better if the tree disappeared much like it came but I was out ranked since I did not have the strength to disassemble the tree. Without notice he walked in took down the tree, and put it in the box.

Anna's face started to get red, and her eyes teared up. I asked Gerard to stop which he did. The three of us sat, talked about our tree, hugged it, and the box. I think Gerard did not believe me when I told him she was going to be upset but he got the picture as her hot little tears streamed down her face.

Gerard finished boxing the tree while I held Anna. We promised her that she could go into the attic anytime she needed to see it was still here. (Our attic has a finished floor) That made her feel better. She has not asked about the tree since that day.

I think the reason why I am writing about Anna's reaction is this year was the first year that she has truly started to understand. Her attachment to us has grown so strong in the past 6 months. The tears that she cried were true tears of plain, ordinary sadness. Anna was able to tell us why she was upset which for so long was not able to communicate that to us. Even though this was a seemly sad moment for Anna I see that keeping her close to us and limiting those who have taken care of her has been a big help for Anna.

Saturday we will celebrate Christmas with Gerard's family on Saturday which is also Orthodox Christmas. Even though we are not Orthodox many Russians are so I feel as though this may become a new tradition for us.