Part One is Done

The first part of the surgery is over. Mom is tolerating the surgery well. The hysterectomy is complete the initial finds are A-Typical Hyperplasgia with foci areas of cancer. The doctor does believe that the cancer is in the early stages of cancer. The need for chemotherapy and or radiation therapy is unclear. We will need the final report on the areas of cancer before that plan can be made. My guess is that chemotherapy is in her future.

Please understand that I am happy with these results and breathing a sigh of relieve. Sounds crazy I know but I think the not knowing stage is far worse then knowing. Knowledge is power. We can make our plans now for the future.

She is now in the middle of the second part of the surgery to repair a hernia. This is good news!

Strike 2

Add on the surgical removal of my Mother's foot for her mouth.

Strike 1---Your Irish right? Answer Nope! I'm Scottish and it is not the same.

Strike 2---When is your baby due? Answer: I'm not pregnant.

Checked in...let the wait begin

I feel like I did not sleep at all last night. Anna went to sleep easy and slept through me packing, finishing up laundry and picking up the house. I was up at 3 am to check the time and was able to fall back to sleep so for that I am thankful. My Mother and sister Jackie picked up La-La on their way to my house the minor mishap was they were at the wrong house on the wrong street. The poor elderly lady who was woken up by my sister knocking on the door must have been thinking "What is going on here!" Even funnier that she would not open the door.

So we are in the pre-surgical waiting room waiting for her to be called back to get the ball rolling. We are early, no traffic which was good. The traffic makes my Mother nervous. Her surgery could be as short as 4 hours or as long as 6, I know the OR is booked for 8 hours so the day should be a long one.

I prepared myself earlier this week by reading over all her test results and biopsy reports. Here is the real deal & time line...Last August we found out that my Mother had a mass in her lung that had been missed by 4 previous CT scans over a 4 year span. Finding this mass prompted a PET scan that showed an area of concern in her GYN area that the doctors were actually more worried about then the lung at first. Over the past couple of years my Mother has complained of vague back pain, hind sight is 20/20 after all. The decision was made to biopsy the lung first to determine if the lung cancer was a secondary sight. My Mother's blind biopsy of her uterus did not show cancer. During her lung surgery a D & C was completed and A-typical cells were found. A mass between her spine and uterus was also found and I am now realizing could be the source of her back pain.

The bottom line is this could be 1. A-Typical cells or pre-cancer, 2. A non cancerous mass, 3. An ovary, or 4. Cancer. Of course I am hoping for the best but preparing for a longer haul if that is the path that has been choosen for us.

I guess part of my issue over the past couple of months is I am angry. I am angry that she did go to the doctors, she had scans, I looked at the reports and nothing was ever noted about the lung mass. I am angry that her doctors did not order an MRI for her back pain and instead brushed it off as old age. I have been trying to think in terms of this was missed for a reason. Sitting here in the waiting room I find it hard to keep up that level of thinking.

I know somewhere someone has thought why does she keep driving so far away for treatment. This is the answer...thrust...bottom line. I feel like for now I need for her care to be in the hands of others who do this everyday all day long. Have I had challenges in the hospital we have choosen to take my Mother...yes but I do thrust that they are equipped to care for her.

God has taken me on this journey for a reason. For the life of me I can not understand why but I am trying to just follow the path that has been choosen.

Jackie will be updating her blog too soon. I find it interesting because quiet honestly she is quite private and she has found it hard to just put it out there for others to read.

Please also keep Adrienne in your prayers. I imagine she is going crazy sitting in a hospital room. She is full of energry so that has to be hard for her.

Preparing for surgery tomorrow

Last night Anna woke up at 2:30 am and was wide awake. By 4:00 am she was asking to be rocked and sung to in her bedroom. So I picked her up and that is what we did. Lucky for me she slept until 10:30 am this morning.

I feel like this week has already been a long week and it has only just started. I hate being away from Anna and for the next couple of days I will be away from her. My Mother's surgery is tomorrow so we leave for NYC in the morning around 5:30 am. Her surgery is scheduled for 12:00 pm.

Three of my sisters and I will be staying in the city close to the hospital. I am hoping that she will be discharged on Friday at least that is what I am going to push for. Much of what she would be doing in the hospital she can do at home. Friday night traffic can be pretty bad heading toward the shore so hopefully we will not get stuck in much traffic traveling home.

I will not be home until late Friday or perhaps Saturday. Thank goodness Gerard was able to take off some time so that Anna will at least have him if I am not available. La-La and Me-Me will be taking care of her so I know that she will do fine.

I guess I should pack and get things straightened up around here. Or I could just watch Anna sleep?

A game of toss

Yesterday morning Anna got up about 15 minutes before I got home. This was a Gerard morning as we refer to them or a morning that he flies solo until I get home around 8 am. Also being what we call a between day in this house or a day when I have to work that night as well, Gerard decided he was going to take Anna, Jimmy and La-La on the boat fishing.

My job was to get her packed, fed and changed to go with him. I know to some this sounds like he is not doing what he needs to do but I really love caring for Anna especially when I have to work because I do miss her. Step one was change her diaper and fold it up tight then get her dressed. I told Gerard here throw this out for me and tossed him the diaper! You would have thought that I tossed hot boiling water at him. Yes, he let out with a scream as he jumped out of the way of the diaper. Yes it was a scream like a girl! My first instinct was to laugh so I did and went about getting her ready.

As I was getting up to get her hair brush and bow, Anna jumped up grabbed the diaper and started to call "Dadddda" without a seconds notice he was pelted with the dirty diaper. He screamed again like a girl and that was all the encouragement she needed. Now picture this, a grown man being chased by a tiny 2 year old with a very menacing pee-pee diaper, wham pelted again. This will never lose humor for me. If I had the camera handy the no picture rule would have been lifted.

12 Months Post Placement Report

Can you believe that I have completed my second Post Placement Report yesterday. Christine my social worker came over and we talked about Anna's development. Christine and I both think Anna is attaching to me well. Anna never left my side but did make and maintain eye contact with Christine. Anna even engaged her in conversation but did not leave my side or attempt to cuddle or be held by her.

I know this is funny to think about but believe it or not Anna is really only with a small number of people and even fewer are given permission to show her affection. I realized this the one day while talking with a very good friend who has only met Anna less then five times in the ten months since she has been home. I do not force Anna to give hugs or kisses to anyone. Anna has started to laying her head down on our shoulders and patting our backs just like we pat her back.

I will not lie I do have some level of anxiety when ever the social worker comes to my home not because I do not like her or trust her. If we had not met in this setting I think we could have been friends. I guess it comes from my inner feelings about adoption. In the past 10 months I have fought at times to establish that I am Anna's mother more so in my head then in any other setting. Attachment is a two way street not only does Anna have to attach and bond with me but I to her.

I think it is strange to not have Anna with me now even if I am tired. I love watching her play even when I do not have the energy to pick up the hot mess that she can make in a matter of minutes. I guess when the social worker comes to visit even though it is in Anna's best interest I feel like my parenting abilities are in doubt. I know it is a silly feeling but I will be glad when this formal paperwork is completed.

Not great pictures but I do want to try and get one of the two of us together at each milestone.

Chasing the blues has a different meaning

In the past when Gerard would say he was chasing the blues it meant he was fishing and was having a good time. Now a days it means he is blueberry picking with Anna. Happy Father's day!

Home is where the heart is

As an adult I have owned a number of different houses. I remember once when I pulled up to my first house and I thought "It is so nice to be home." I was only 20 years old when I bought that first house so the whole concept to me was strange. I also remember it was not a feeling that was automatic. I am pretty sure it took about a year before I felt this way. As time as moved on and I have bought and sold different homes this feeling of being home has come more quickly for me.

Last night we decided to go out to dinner at the Chinese buffet. When we pulled up Anna started to sign for crabs because this is the only thing she eats when she is their. So I was excited that she was showing some interest in food. We only had one major melt down and that was because we could not sit right next to the fish tank. After she calmed down to realize that she was still going to get to see the fish she decided to show us perfect behavior at the table.

She ate more crab legs then anyone else at the table. My Mother was quite impressed. The table next to us were a bunch of women who were having a good time. Suddenly laughter broke out at their table, Anna looked up and started laughing really hard just like they were. Now I do know that she did not know what was funny but she does like to laugh. This made them laugh even harder and of course we all started to laugh too.

Once we were done we all loaded up into the car. She started "talking" most of what Anna says we are not able to understand. We turned the corner and onto our street as clear as a bell she said "Home, Home, Home!" She was excited to be going home.

I almost cried to hear her say this. La-La and Gerard confessed to me that she has been saying it all week each time they bring her home but this was the first time I saw it.

What Anna does not realize yet is home is where the heart is. Home is Gerard and I for her now. Home is where you are loved the most. Anna has a home here but she also has one in Russia. With Father's day approaching I wonder if Anna's first parents realize that I am thinking of them and wishing them well.

25 piece okay really only 24 pieces

When I was a child puzzles were one of my favorite things to play with. I still love puzzles and I think this is the reason why I love to quilt. I think of quilting as one big puzzle. So when Anna showed some interest in a puzzle that Geralyn gave us I was very excited.

Anna has a Clifford the big red dog DVD that she enjoys. Anna loves anything with an animals. Down came the puzzle out of the closet, I spread the 25 pieces out on the floor and quickly remembered the table is a better choice for puzzles. I not sure when I learned how to put together a puzzle or sure if anyone had to teach me to do one or whether I just followed one of my older sisters but I can see where a puzzle can be hard for a child.

When all the pieces were out she looked at them like they were foreign objects which to her they were I am guessing. For the past 6 weeks the puzzle has come down out of the closet on average of 3-4 times per week. Some where along the line we lost a piece of the puzzle but in an effort to make lemonade out of lemons we practiced saying the word "piece". Which she now points out to me that there is a piece missing every time the puzzle gets put together along with an "Uh-Oh."

No lie we put the puzzle together at least 10-12 times each time it comes down. I am not proud to say this but I am now tired of playing with this puzzle and have secretly wished that it were a different puzzle but Anna loves it. If we had more then one puzzle I think it would have been harder for her to get the concept down. I am amazed at her level of attention when the puzzle comes down because she and I will play with it for about an hour or longer.

I see where she is starting to really get the concept of how to put together a puzzle now. I could put it together in less then a minute but it is not about me any more. We went from trying to join any to pieces to trying to join two pieces of one color. Now she is able to see the connection between Clifford's eyes and the fact that his mouth goes under his eyes.

The past 2 or 3 times that the puzzle has come down I have noticed that she is getting faster at putting it together. Yesterday, I decided to just give her 2 pieces at a time, then the next 2 pieces to see if she realizes how they match up and she did. A proud moment for me. Then I started to mix it up even more and give her 3 pieces for the upper right hand side then 3 pieces for the lower left hand side. She figured it out.

By the end of our hour of playing with the puzzle I was able to hand her 5 pieces at a time and she could put them together with no prompting from me at all. What a difference, what a wonderful difference. I am so happy to see her growing and learning. She amazes me every day.

The Blessing of the Fleet

First a little history then on to the pictures. When my Mother was a little girl her Father was a fishing boat Captain. For many years this was how he supported his family of five. Fishing and boating has been a big part of my family and life for as long as I can remember.

My sister married Wayne, La-La and Me-Me's Father when I was very young. Although this marriage was not a forever marriage I still feel like he is family and often refer to him as my Brother-in-law. Wayne is now married to a woman named Kathy who has been more then kind to to my nieces, Hans, Anna and I. I feel lucky to call her family as well. Wayne is the Captain of the Searcher II. I remember when he bought this boat. Jimmy works for La-La's Uncles on their boat, the Doris Mae IV. Both of these boats are steps away from where my Grand Father docked his boat. When my Mother goes to this dock I can see the memories fill her eyes and then the stories start to flow too.

The Blessing of the Fleet is something that happens every year. This is a prayer service at the dock for all the fishermen and boaters for their safe return to the dock and their families. Years ago I remember going to this more often but I guess I have just been busy the past couple of years or perhaps more removed from my roots. Having La-La and Jimmy around often we talk of fishing and the boat is more common in my house like years past.

This also makes me think about when Gerard and I were much younger. Every Saturday and Sunday were spent on the boat. I know to that may shock people now because we have spent such little time on the boat in the past couple of years. The times I think are changing yet again however because Anna does love the water and boats. change can be good.

Yesterday, Gerard took Anna to see his parents and for a boat ride. She came back and the boat was all she could talk about. I had been scheduled to work so La-La and Jimmy picked up Anna so that she could go to the Blessing of the Fleet and a short boat ride with them. You will see Anna in these pictures not wearing a life vest. Please understand that the sides of the boat are much higher then she is tall. Jimmy and La-La were on top of her and this Captain Charlie has more experience in these waters then he cares for me to mention. Gerard and I felt 100% confident that she was safe.

Anna learned a new word while on her short cruise. "Whoa, Whoa, Whoa" Who gets to drive a 100 foot boat before you can drive a car? Anna!


My Grand Father and I






Guess what was the first thing she asked for when she woke up today...Baba...nope. Boat!

If ever you come to the Jersey shore take the time to go to Barnegat Light and visit the dock. Go fishing and experience just how cool it can be to catch your dinner. Plus Jimmy would love to meet you, he thinks it is pretty funny that I blog but don't forget to tell me so I can come too.

Then and now

I just love the posts that have the then and now pictures. I realized yesterday that I never posted the pictures from Memorial day. We went to the local parade with Gerard's family. Everyone worried that I would not have a red, white and blue ribbon for her hair when I actually had a whole outfit just waiting. In Anna's room there is a small American flag that I gave to her the day we were scheduled to go the the United States Embassy in Russia. I so wanted a picture of he waving it but she was too fast and looking at the camera was hard for her then and even now.

Then


Now


At my Mom's house later that day


I can also now officially say that Anna has out grown an outfit. She can no longer wear this dress because it is too short.

Then


Now


I feel like I need to go through her things. Some things need to be packed up and others need to be given away. I never thought this chore would be one that I would think about as being happy memory.

In Russia I remember...

When I was in Russia one of the things that I remember seeing when I was being driven to the airport were these little stands on the side of the road shaped like a strawberry. I so wish now that I had gotten a chance to stop at one but we did not. I remember thinking strawberry picking was one of the things that my parents would do with us in the spring.

Having gotten the chance to stay with a Russian family in Cheboksary in last summer I learned that fresh berries were a big part of their diet. Berry trees surrounded the apartment building and during our evening walks in Russia I remember seeing men and women walking home with baskets of berries. During those meal in the summer time berries were served each day. The one berry was a sour like a small blueberry. Elena from my host family ground them up with sugar and made a type of jam but it was different then what we would think of because it was more liquid. She told me she ground them up with sugar and then just put it in the refrigerator. She served this with small cookies and tea.

Yesterday Me-Me, La-La, Hans, Anna and I decided lets go pick some strawberries. What a wonderful day it was for picking fruit. First there were cherries which were so sweet. Gerard why don't we have a cherry tree?? The peaches were small but we still got a few. Anna is not a big vegetable eater but we still got some sweet peas and she does seem to like them. Believe it or not we were late for the strawberries but were still able to get some small ones that are so sweet and juicy.

Next we are planning to go for blueberries in a week or two.

The boat is in

I am blaming it on work. After 3 weeks off I started back this weekend. Between La-La and Gerard I was able to sleep very well on my in between day. For some reason though the exhaustion hit me yesterday. I slept for about an hour before Gerard had to leave but woke up to Anna crying for me.

Gerard came to get me even though he knew why she was crying. See here is what we do. In the morning I change Anna but some times she does not like to wear a diaper so I let her just put her PJ bottoms back on. I think for some reason this has helped with the potty training. I just can not see fighting to put on a diaper that number 1 she will just take off and number 2 when she is without it she does really well with going on the potty.

Gerard told me she pee-peed her pants and only wants you. Okay no he was not that calm more just a nervous wreck over it. Her pants were only a little wet. So I picked her up tried to calm her down and asked her if she needed to go on the potty. She made the potty sign for me so I put her on. The poor thing peed a river.

I just think Gerard and her both got scared at the slightly wet pants. A few tears still flowed as I got her cleaned up and new panties on. That is the point where I decided sleep was not what Anna needed me to do right now. I held her and we played. She did go back on the potty 3 more times yesterday for both pee-pee and poops.

Gerard had left to get one of our boats ready for the water. He called to see if we wanted to come with him for a little boat ride. So that is just what we did. We picked up lunch for Gerard, Papa and us.

Anna is very funny she wants to know how everything works. I mean everything. Gerard was getting the boat hooked up to the truck because there is a bit of preparation for that and she wanted to see it all. I hooked her into her car seat and she started to cry for the boat. I believe it went something like this..."Boat...Beach...Pool" over and over. I do find it hard not to laugh in situations like that but I did do my best to console her and tell her we were taking the boat with us. I do believe this is a hard concept for a 2 year old even though she points every boat out to me when we are driving.

We leave our boats in the water from now until about November at Gerard's parents house. No time like the present to start the water safety. While at Grandma and Papa's house if she is outside the jacket goes on period no discussion on this topic. I do feel lucky because I know Gerard's parents feel the same way so I can count on if she is there with just Gerard and not me that they WILL follow this rule.

In went the boat which I think was easier then trying to hold Anna at the marina. We got on the boat and drive it around. I know this can be very hard to picture but the water is what we call back water or very calm water. You can only drive the boat extremely slow or only fast enough not to form a wake. Please keep that in mind when I do get the picture up of Anna driving the boat.

She would not hear of not being able to drive and steer the boat. We both just laughed. She did not give me a hard time about wearing the life vest so all was good. Gerard and I were talking, he was driving now. Suddenly the engine shuts off. No power nothing. I see the look of what the heck come over his face. Stuff like that makes him crazy because he spends a lot of time on keeping things up and running well.

That is when I told him "Aren't you glad we are with you today?"
He just looked puzzled. Again hard not to laugh
I said "I would try starting it again before you get worried"

Yup the little sprite shut the engine off. I blame Speech therapy because she has to ask and play with keys for one of her favorite toys.

Once back to the Grand parents house I left the 2 men in charge of her and went home for a nap. Gerard brought Anna home who also fell asleep at 5pm laid her down next to me and then woke us up at 6:30pm figuring bed time would be really late if he let her afternoon nap last much longer.

Let the work begin

It has started. I knew it would. Just a matter of time I always said. Back when my Mother was sick last year I started a blog for her so that she could write about her feelings and perhaps help some one else. In a funny twist of fate it is my sister who will be using it.

Let me explain. She has decided to walk on the 3 day Walk for a Cure in Philadelphia. In the past I have helped others fund raise for different events and yes I even fund raised for the March of Dimes through my blog. Now she has been bitten. She and my Mother will start blogging about cancer and how they have been impacted by this disease. Yuk you say! No way you will enjoy reading their quirky craziness.

Please be kind to Jacqueline she is still a bit unsure of the blogger world. Please check it out and encourage them to write. I know that they will find a world of people who are caring and giving. Thank you all.

The link is here and fixed!

www.thiswillnotbeatme.blogspot.com

P.S. What about a raffle to help support her? Is this something that you all think you would like to see?