A chicken in every pot...

This year has had many ups and downs. Exactly a year ago I was sitting on my sofa typing my New Years Eve Post trying my best to be upbeat. I read it today right before I started typing this one, in so many ways it seems like yesterday and in others it seems like it was decades ago.

I had been distraught because of financial issues that my agency was having. Quite honestly I remember thinking this might be the end of the journey for me. If the agency was going under I would have had to postpone my adoption for at least a year to recoup the money that I would have lost. Luckily, I did not have to do that who would have know that my planned trip to Michigan for a very grim meeting with the agency would have had so many silver linings. I got to meet in person Jolynn and Rich as well as Lori and Kevin. Both couples have become families welcoming a baby boy for Jolynn and a little girl for Lori.

I think the saying 'A chicken in every pot...' really sums up how I have been feeling lately. I am blessed even in my moments of stress I have a little one who reminds me of that everyday. This year is so different then last year in only the best ways. Happy New Year to all,may 2010 bring only joyous surprises and memories to all.

Rise and Shine

Sleeping has been getting better but with the holidays Anna's schedule got a little crazy. Yesterday she woke up late like 10 am, usually she gets up between 8:30 and 9 am which pushed back nap time and night time which makes things harder.

Anna and I sleep together. This is one thing that I think has been a blessing for her and me. I really believe that co-sleeping at this age for her has been a major benefit for her. In the early days sleep was more of a nightmare then a pleasure. Nap time was only achieved by walking her for about an hour. With the cold weather walking is hard.

Which brings us to this morning I got up about 7 am and with that a little head popped up. I told her it was okay to lay her head back down and sleep a little more. She did sleep for about another 30 minutes which was nice for me, then I heard a little bump and feet walking with determination a dog in one hand and a baby in the other. In the last month we have practiced holding in the morning this morning she climbed into my lap and laid her head down for some Mommy time.

After a morning of picking up the wave of toys and folding laundry I realized that food is important so grocery shopping was on my list for today. So this afternoon I started to get her dressed (yes we stay in our PJs until noon most days) when she asked for a "ba ba" I laid her down, put on the music and she was out cold in 10 minutes.

So to make this long story much shorter sleep time is getting easier and more of a pleasure less of a nightmare.

Merry Christmas...belated

This holiday was so different from past years. There had been a bit of a struggle as to everyone's roles and how they have changed within the family but with time I am hoping that it will all straighten itself out too. I had intended on posting something to the blog much sooner then this. Quite funny how I talk about you all who read it and feel bad when I have let a few days elapse.

This is officially the first Christmas that I have spent at home for both Christmas Eve and Christmas day in 20 years. Usually none of the Christmas holiday is spent at my house but we felt that it was extremely important for Anna to be home for all the holidays this year and that was the best decision that we made. Were there hurt feels as a result of this decision...yes for that I am sad but I hope in the end that those who were hurt have gained a new understanding that we are a small family within a much larger family one. Protecting, nurturing and giving Anna the best childhood that we can is our number one job everything else is second.

Was everything picture perfect as in my dreams...yes and no...most of it was better. I never cease to be amazed as to how busy I am these days. I did not get to finish Anna's stocking so instead she used my stocking that was made by my Grandmother when I was very young. Actually, I never remember any other stocking so it might just be my first and only stocking. I have realized that I may have to start next week to prepare for next year so much to do.

For Christmas Eve I decided that I would rather spend my time resting (I worked into Christmas Eve and the day before) then cooking so at the last minute I decided to have it catered. Best decision I ever made and will probably be repeated next year too. Gerard's parents sister, BIL and 2 of my sisters plus nieces were over to spend time with us. I think this amazed Anna because for the most part we have tried our best to keep her world as small as possible. What a difference from Thanksgiving.

Actually when I think about it Thanksgiving was a turning point for Anna in a way. The following day her eating started to pick up. She tried a few new things and now will eat turkey and hot dogs. We still struggle to get the 1000 calories into her everyday but I am hopeful that this will become easier with time.

On Christmas Eve she opened a couple of presents. Some of her favorites were a memory game and one of the coolest baby dolls I have ever seen. The doll was purchased at T@rget, the baby is so life like. Of course the clothes were taken off immediately why do kids do that? I will tell you that Anna is very attentive to this baby. For the first hour she really did not want anyone else to take "care" of her baby except her or myself. The baby drinks from a bottle, blinks its eyes, giggles, cries and even falls asleep after it has been fed for an extended period of time.

The little dog in the picture is coconut, Jillian's baby. Coconut sometimes comes when Jillian is watching Anna. They have become fast friends. Thank goodness coconut is pretty fast or Anna would be holding her non-stop.

Christmas morning she woke up to find that Santa had left her a pink retro kitchen. What a neat gift. She has literately played with it for hours at a time. I struggle with do I leave it in the living room or put it in her bedroom. Coconut was with us on Christmas morning as Anna was playing with her kitchen opening and closing the doors I could see what she was thinking. 'That dog is small enough to fit in the cabinet' The chase was on and coconut escaped each and every time. Honestly coconut had nothing to worry about because I would have stepped in if she did actually caught her.

She also got a little mouse that runs around from her playmate Samantha. Suddenly I saw that look come across her face again with a spring in her step she walked it straight to the pink retro kitchen and in the cabinet the mouse went. I must remind my Mother of that because mice freak her out.

I found the best key chain on Etsy for Gerard from Anna. Small and flat (he does not use a key chain one of those OCD things even though he has a number of different keys) on it hand stamped it said "I have a hero, his name is Daddy". To say he loved it would be an understatement.

The entire day was spent in our PJs. Later in the afternoon as Gerard and I were sitting on the sofa exhausted he grabbed my hand and just said "Look at her, she is here just playing." I think he was starting to tear up. I have dreamed about this day for so many years that I can not remember not dreaming about it now it is reality.

This is why I love him

I know that there are many that do not understand why I could love a man who is so quirky. Here is one reason, in pain and I mean real pain not being able to stand up pain he made a snowman with Anna without a complaint!




This is reason 4,587 why I love him.

2-4-6-24....

You all know that I love numbers so each one of these numbers does have a meaning. First of all I just can not believe that it has been this long since I have posted something but I can explain. I worked into the snow storm and was extremely lucky to not have to go back to work. The snow is still well above my knee and yes I do know that I am short but not that short but I easily had 24 inches in my front yard.

So 2 equals the number of days Gerard was in the hospital for his 4mm and 6mm kidney stones which he is yet to pass and is not expected to pass without intervention. The poor guys makes that a lot of them so I knew exactly what it was when he crawled into the house from shoveling the driveway. Poor Anna was so distressed to see him like that. The poor thing kept bringing him different things to make him laugh or smile.

Finally she gave him a seagull and even made the sound for him. When none of that worked she kissed him then looked at me to reassure her that she was doing the right thing. I guess she is really getting it that she needs to come to us for comfort because this was her instinct to make him better. On the long trip to the hospital this is what we talked about to keep his mind off the pain. She has come so far in such a short period of time.

No cookies were harmed!

This morning I decided that we will be making some cookies. In my mind I knew that this was one thing that I wanted to do with her this year and hopefully continue to do it every year.

The Christmas before my Father died we made cookies, this is something that both of my parents would do with us. Actually the bowl that I used that year is the same bowl that I remember making oatmeal raisin cookies with my Mother for the first time. Yes this is the very same bowl that we used today.

That Christmas before my Father died I had found a new recipe, Russian tea cookies. He told me that they were his new favorite cookies. I had forgot that until this morning when I was chopping the nuts. Little did I know that 12 years later I would be making them with my Russian born daughter. Connections are amazing when you take the time to remember and make memories. These are good times and good memories are being made.

Words, Words, Words

I will tell you for the most part Anna is spot on developmentally, actually I think she is pretty advance in terms of her fine motor skills. Clever is a good word to because her. I admit to diverting her attention away from things I do not want her to learn yet, like opening the door, the stove and way too many other things to count.

Here is where the big but comes in, her speech! When I picked up Anna she did not speak. I was told that she was fluent in Russian but quite honestly I am pretty sure that she was not. Once home she started to babble a bit. I had decided to wait on a speech therapy evaluation until we were home a couple of months.

The sounds that she made were small and high pitched when she was first home. I remember thinking WOW is she quiet and I was concerned about that. I think the obvious things ran through my mind first being can she hear? The answer to that is yes she can hear. Honestly knowing that has helped to ease my fears of her delayed speech.

I remember the first time she yelled. The delight on her face was amazing so for a couple of days she was yell and mostly I think to see my reaction. Thankfully that has stopped. I have noticed that she has been babbling more on her play cellular phone then ever. I thought I will miss that when she does start talking. You would have thought that she heard me think it.

In the last week she has started saying words. Are you ready... here they are...juice, this, that and one. If I ask her to say one she does then starts to dance. Too funny! She looks so happy after repeating the word that I have asked her to say. This leads me to believe that she may have been a bit frustated by not speaking.

I will miss the Baka, baka, baka that she currently is saying. I guess I have to find the video camera and get it on film before it is a memory that only Gerard and I will cherish.

Pondering a Christmas card photo

I feel so behind this year. Usually I am done with decorating, gift buying. I used to pride myself in having my Christmas cards out in a timely manner. I had wanted to send a card with all our pictures on it this year. Yes, Gerard agreed to having his face on a Christmas card. In all the craziness of life we only had one opportunity to dress in festive clothes when we went to tag a tree.

We counted on someone else taking advantage of the beautiful day to do the same and hopefully take a professional like photo of the 3 of us capturing this once in a lifetime moment. Well if you count the horse there were four of us in the field. The horse by far won out over any Christmas tree we tried to pick. I say don't fight it so we spent more time just looking at the horse.

So I have about 6 pictures to work with for a Christmas card. Honestly I am still not sure that I will even be sending one because of the time constraints, we will see.

Now do not faint yes that is him.

I figured out why...

So since Thanksgiving Anna has been putting everything up her nose. Strange I thought because she never did this before. What is different?

I have plucked stickers, crayons and yes even crackers out of her nose the past 2 weeks. Actually, it reminded me of a time when I was about her age. I had stuffed 2 shells up my nose. Was it an accident...Nope I remember doing it, intended on doing it. The adventure cost my parents a trip to the ER. Yes my Mother still has those shells. They were very expensive shells after all.

So my sister and Sloan came over to my Mother's house last night in preparation for another trip to NYC tomorrow. My Mother is now on oxygen. So yesterday Anna seized her moment when my Mother took off her oxygen. Anna grabbed in and stuffed it up her nose.

So that is what is different. I have to say it did make my Mother laugh.

Pjs are in!

I have to say I can not remember ever being so excited over pajamas. This year it will be Christmas light, or in other words a streamlined Christmas in terms of gift giving. I am sure that many can appreciate that this year has been a very expensive year. Being out of work with my broken arm was not a help either.

I am thankful that I have all I do. I am not talking about the material things because they come and go. Since Anna has been home we are realizing just how important spending time together is. Gerard and I are story tellers to some degree, we love a good laugh and Anna has brightened our lives in ways I never thought was possible. Believe me I could talk all day about her and probably do.

Santa will have gifts for Anna because he knows that she has been a very good little girl but really it is so not about the gifts this year. I feel like it is more about the memories of seeing her face everyday and knowing that I she is here where she belongs. I so wish you all could see her in person because you would know what I am talking about she is funny and a bit quirky.

I have said it before I am not a size 2 I know that. I am thankful that the PJs fit and I will not need my girdle for Christmas morning.

How did I do (This post is for Polly)

First of all Polly I am so sorry for your loss. I have been trying to get a minute to sit down to respond to you. Losing a pet who is more like a family member rather then a four legged object is hard.

I am not quite sure how I made it through the decision to let Dottie go. I will say that she had been sick for so long and many of her subtle differences were only noticed by me. When I saw her suffering I knew in my heart that she deserved much better then that and even though it was painful I did what I thought would give her the most peace.

I am not sure if I ever told any of you I am not a dog person or I was not a dog person. Growing up we had a number of different dogs and for the life of me I can not remember ever being attached to anyone of them. There was no defining moment of getting or losing one that I can remember. Dottie was originally my sister's dog that she rescued from a shelter. She had taken a job that made having a dog impossible so my Mother took Dottie. I had moved in with my Mother when I was building one of my houses. I had nothing but time on my hands. Dottie was quite the unique dog. She did not bark, lick or scratch. Sounds crazy but it was so true. Most of my neighbors did not realize I had a dog at first. She was quirky and I think that is why I really liked her at first.

Dottie became very attached to me right away and I grew to love her more then I ever imagined I would. Yes I am the type that let her sleep in bed with me. Dottie became a permanent fixture and I went no where for almost 18 months without her while my house was being built. When I moved into my house she had become so used to being on a leash that she would not go outside alone, ever. In retrospect she probably had an anxious attachment to me.

I spent months worrying that Dottie would not take well to having a small child around. Then when she got sick I worried that she would become seriously ill while I was in Russia. I made Gerard promise that he would not let her suffer if I was in Russia. What a relief it was to come home and see that she was okay. What an even bigger relief it was to see that Anna was not afraid of her nor she of Anna. With that being said I am probably overly cautious and never left the two alone together.

Anna became used to Dottie leaving for a couple of days to Gerard's parents house when I took my Mother to NYC for appointments. Recently, Anna has become very interested in looking for Dottie. She keeps bringing me pictures of her and looks at them puzzled "like where is she?" That has been hard. I never thought she would become attached to Dottie so quickly.

As for me I think to some degree I have ignored the thought that she is gone. I think to some degree I am on overload of emotions right now. My home is so quiet even with Anna. Will we have another dog the answer is yes and it will be another dog from a shelter.

No dog will ever replace Dottie or be as quirky in my eyes. Grief that a person experiences when a person is dying or has died is different for everyone. I have had the privilege to be in the company of many people who are passing on. Yes, I do consider it a privilege. I am one of those rare people who have the privledge of witnessing the birth of a children which is amazing and I am sad for those who will never see this. Truly, it is God's work.

Being in the company of a person who is passing is different and probably more defining then being at a birth in my opinion. I remember my first patient who died in nursing school like it was yesterday but can not recall much of the first birht I witnessed. Being present when a person passes can be equally as beautiful as a birth. Knowing that this person is being carried to heaven to meet the Lord is amazing. It has been my experience that most pass not in the company of a nurse or loved one but alone so to be there is rare.

I have also had the privilege to talk with many who flat out know they are dying. I know it is hard to know me well just through what I write here but I will tell you that I speak my mind and try my best to listen carefully to others. So many times I have been asked "Why does God put me through this, How come he will not take me?" Quite simply I feel that in many cases your work here on earth is not yet done. As Dottie's work here was not done. She wanted to know that I was going to be okay without her.

Sometimes it is a family member who needs time to adjust to the thought of losing the person they love. Sometimes it is a perfect stranger who needs to learn the lesson of compassion or patience or to see that it takes no longer to be kind in your actions then it does to be fresh or mean spirited. I also believe that sometimes it is the person who needs to get right with themselves before God hence these are the individuals who pass alone.

Our time here on this earth is so short. If you live to be 200 years old that may equal a blink of the eye in heaven. Am I less sad because I know this well sometimes, right now I will say I am tearing up a bit. Polly thank you so much for asking me this question, you are the person who I needed in my life to help me start to grieve the loss of Dottie. Amazing how a "stranger" (even though you are no stranger to me) can help another. I have thought of you often this week, you and your family will be in my prayers when ever I think of Dottie.